No one tells you how you are supposed to navigate the NICU. It is a time of uncertainty, sadness, fear, hope, frustration, anger, and exhaustion. If I had to do it all over again, there are a few things I wish I could’ve told myself so I was better prepared. So I am sharing this with all of you in the hopes that it will reach someone who will be or is in the NICU.
- There are NICU support groups to help you through this difficult time.
- There is a significantly increased risk for both parents of a child in the NICU to have issues with depression and ppd.
- Bring your own items that you really want your baby to have/use and label them (pacifiers, clothes, blankets, body wash, etc.).
- Bring something like a burp cloth or washcloth that smells like you to put in with your baby for added comfort.
- Always ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. The NICU should be a well-oiled machine. The reality is there are a lot of babies that need a lot of attention and care and the staff works around the clock to make sure that happens. You have to fit yourself into their rounding schedule and even then, you can’t expect them to slow down. If they did that for every parent, they wouldn’t make it through rounds.
- Take as much free stuff as they will give you- diapers, burp cloths, wipes, clothes, hats, pacifiers, thermometer, blankets, breast milk storage containers, meals, snacks, parking, etc.), and don’t feel guilty. It is there to be used. They created these helpful programs for people like us, parents with babies in the NICU.
- Take pictures. A lot of pictures. Even if it’s 1 a day, don’t miss out on the precious first moments of your child’s life just because they weren’t as picture perfect as we would like. Someday you will get over the pain and wish you could see how far they have come. We only have a handful of pictures from Declan’s first weeks, and now I wish we had more. I would be able to see the progress in photos, but also now that things are calm, I could enjoy those things that maybe I didn’t get to in those NICU moments, like a first bath.
- Don’t loose sight of what things are important to you when caring for your baby. In the NICU it’s easy for things like what brand of pacifier, or what baby shampoo you wanted to use, to become issues on the back burner. But remember this is your baby, and the NICU is only a fraction of your baby’s life. If skin to skin is important to you, make sure you do it. If you care that your baby wears only organic clothes, then bring them. You shouldn’t allow the circumstances that brought you to the NICU to put all the parenting decisions you’ve already thought about aside.
- I wish I had spent more time doing what I would’ve done at home with my baby. Take pictures, bathe them, and read books. Learn to do as much as you can to care for them. Since there are so many things you may not be able to do- so hold them for hours, sing to them, change their diapers, take their temperature. The hope of all parents is that all of this will just be a bad memory in an otherwise perfect life, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. So, don’t wait until you get home to start doing, the reality we all fear is that we may not get that chance.
- Find a way to chronicle your time in the NICU. Between the stress of having a baby in the NICU, traveling back and forth, making arrangements through work or for other children, handling the day-to-day ups and downs that your child may experience, things may start to become a bit of a blur, especially the longer you are there. Keeping a journal with all the things you experience is good for your medical records and your memories.
- Have a notebook specifically for the NICU updates. Sometimes they are quick, or over the phone, it may not be in front of both parents, or you may get interrupted while the doctor needs to tend to an emergency or a more unstable baby. It helps you relay the information to others, allows you to keep track of what’s going on, gives you the opportunity to look things up you don’t know or understand and prepare questions. You can also bounce ideas or questions off other NICU moms. Later it can serve to remind you how far you came.
- This should go without saying, but treat your nurses well, they are caring for your baby when you can’t. Tell them what you’re feeling, your concerns or reservations. Being in the NICU can feel lonely and isolating, these nurses have worked with many families and are often people you end up spending quite a good deal of time with. You may end up developing long-lasting friendships.
- Set realistic expectations. You cannot rush progress. Try to get an estimate of how long the doctors feel your baby will be in the NICU so you can better pace yourself. It is devastating to think you will be bringing your baby home, and are told that today is not the day. You don’t want to bring your baby home, only to have a traumatic event occur that brings baby back to the NICU. Recognize there will be setbacks.
- Trust your parenting intuition. This is your baby, be assertive in their care.
- It’s normal to not be ok. You may need professional help from a therapist after coping with the aftermath.
- Try to bring as much with you as you can do you can stay longer. (Meals, snacks, pillow, blanket, phone charger)
- Don’t beat yourself up. It isn’t your fault. You are doing the best you can. This is true for why your baby is there, but also how often you can be there or how long you can stay.
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