Through my postpartum journey, I have faced many struggles and challenges. Today I struggle with wanting to know when it will end.
Over the past year and half, I have suffered severe depression and anxiety. The anxiety was always there and was diagnosed 5 years ago. I have felt considerable improvement measured by the number of happy days. But I still find myself getting triggered by some yet to be identified trigger, that will sink me into depression and start to consume me all over again.
We are quickly approaching my son’s first birthday, which amazes me at how fast time has flown. Amazes me, because I know how much I’ve missed and how much I just can’t remember because of the depressive fog surrounding me. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something by making it to my son’s birthday, but all I feel is trepidation, anger, and avoidance. I still wish I had had a normal birth, I am still worried about how he will develop, I am still jealous when other families have “normal” births, and honestly, I am still recovering from the traumatic experience that his birth caused.
It also recently dawned on me that the clinic I go to is only able to treat me through 1 year postpartum. It will be 1 year in 10 days. In some ways I’m glad to be moving on. My last interaction with my psychiatrist was when she informed me from a medication perspective there is nothing more they can do for me (that was a real confidence booster). So, I am hopeful to find someone who shares my perspective, there must be medication out there that can help, surely people don’t feel this way forever, do they? But I am also scared. Scared to meet someone new, to relive it all, to hear that I’m just crazy, or that I could’ve done something to prevent it, or worse yet, resolve it completely.
The best way I can describe how I feel, is that I am standing between two different worlds wobbling back and forth between the two. The one- being a happy, fun-loving, mother in awe of her children, cherishing every moment, and the other- a numb, angry, irritated, tired shell, just marching towards bedtime (or nap time).
Maybe every mother feels this, or maybe it’s just the normal course of PPD, either way, I just feel so tired of it all. I don’t want to have to work so hard just to feel normal. I just want to be. Be the way I once was, happy (ok, with a little frustration, eye-rolling, and anger on the side).
I love my sons so much and I hate myself for missing so much of the last year (more, if I’m honest). I just hope this will be a better year.
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First, thank you. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for not listening to those dark quiet thoughts over the past year. Thank you for seeking help. Thank you for your raw honesty. Thank you for being an example to other mothers. This week is always the worst week of the year in my grief cycle. I miss Alexis so much and that grief is like a giant wave that just wipes me out as we approach 5 years since her untimely death. Please, please know I am committed to you and your journey. I live with daily guilt that I wasn’t able to be there for my childhood best friend in her darkest moments. I love you, Jason and your boys so much! Reading your bio on the blog I wonder why we were never closer growing up. Hopefully on my many trips to Pittsburgh in the coming years we’ll have more opportunities to spend time together. Continued prayers and big hugs!
I appreciate your support more than you know. We love you too, and I look forward to spending time with you when you’re here. It of course isn’t easy to put everything out there, but I wanted something positive to come out of all the darkness and sacrifices I’ve made because of this depression. If I can help one person seek help or better understand what their loved one is experiencing then maybe I can heal a little more.
I just stumbled across your site, and want to check in with you to see how you are doing now? (Be honest!!!) ♥️