How Can I Express What I Feel?

 

How do you explain depression to the people who love and care about you so they’ll understand?

My First Symptoms of Depression

When I first started showing symptoms of depression, I was nearing the end of my second pregnancy and had a history of postpartum depression with Rocco. I think it made sense to everyone around me.

“Everyone gets to that point in pregnancy when they are just done.”

“Well, she had it in the past so it’s not that unexpected for her to have it again. And she dealt with it fine last time.”

Then Declan was Born…

Once Declan was born and we were consumed with life and death issues and problems, there wasn’t really time or attention given to my depression.

“It’s normal to cry when your baby is in the NICU and you don’t know what the outcome will be.”

But Then We Got a Miracle

But then the dust settled and the Lord gave us our miracle. We brought our healthy baby boy home from the hospital to join our family. Any discussion about my depression sounded like,

“You’d be depressed too if you’d been through the same thing. They had to put all their emotions on hold to be strong for their family, so it’s probably just the baby blues finally setting in.”

A Job Loss

Shortly after that came Jason’s job loss. Another hit to justify my depression so to speak. While Jason was off work he became the primary caregiver to everyone in the house, myself included. So to the outside world, my depression didn’t seem as bad as it was.

A New Job, A New Baby

When he started his new jobs over the next months a lot of the talk was,

“Everything is so new. They’re just adjusting. Adding another baby is a stressful time.”

One Year Later…

But around the one year mark was when I started to see the shift. Some people became more worried with the launch of my blog because they were able to see behind the curtain. Those people have shown an outpouring of support and kindness. Some shared similar experiences, others just offered kind words of encouragement or prayer. Others, however, seemed to get restless as the first few articles of my postpartum depression faded from recent memory. I felt like I could hear their thoughts through subtext and some just outright said it.

“I think you should be better by now.”

“What are you doing exactly to help yourself get out of this?”

“A big part of healing from depression is pulling your bootstraps up, putting on your big girl panties, and just moving on.”

I Feel The Same Way

I didn’t know how to explain that in a lot of ways I felt the same way. I felt that:

• I brought this on myself.
• I allowed my mind to become overcome with negativity.
• I should be better by now.
• I’m doing everything I know how, and it’s still not turning things around.
• I am too weak to get better.
• My faith hasn’t been great enough for God to heal me.
• I deserve this.
• Maybe no matter what I do, I will always have depression.

How am I supposed to express the guilt, shame, embarrassment, and fear to the people who I love that are judging me the most harshly? How do you express what it is to feel the constant nag of depression that you drag with you everywhere?