God’s Perfect Plan

Someone asked me recently how does God fit into my recovery from depression and how has my relationship with God been affected with everything I’ve been through.  I was somewhat embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t thought about how God fit in directly.

I have attended church all my life and it has shaped my view of God, religion, and spirituality. By no means am I a model Christian, but I have worked through my demons enough to come to a place where I am comfortable with my beliefs. But many times difficult situations test our faith.

A Battle of Faith

I have struggled with my faith over the last year for a number of reasons. I genuinely believed when Declan was sick that he was going to die.  What I didn’t share in my previous article is a dream that I had 15 years earlier that supported this.

Fifteen years ago I had a dream that I had a beautiful baby boy with bright blue eyes, wrapped in all white. I was with my grandmother who had recently passed away and I handed her the baby. When the dream ended, I knew that by handing the baby to her, it meant that they were together in heaven. Years later, I realized that Declan was that baby. So, while I had faith that God could spare my son, I didn’t think he was going to, and was preparing for that.

After he was healed, a friend told Jason and I that it was because of our faith that Declan was healed.  I felt like a fraud. While I believed God could heal Declan, I didn’t think he would.  Was that really faith?  As time went on, I just didn’t understand why if God was going to heal him, we ever had to go through any of this heartache in the first place. While searching for some meaning, I felt that maybe it was to grow my trust and faith in God. To remind me that true unwavering faith could move mountains.

Testing My Faith

Shortly after that, a friend of ours had a devastating stroke. I felt like this was a perfect opportunity to test out my newfound faith. I was confident that God would heal him and provide the family with a miracle. I prayed confidently and accordingly, but he wasn’t healed. I didn’t understand why God would spare my son and not our friend. What did that even mean?

I was angry, confused, and felt like the lesson I thought I was supposed to learn, wasn’t it at all.

Uncertainty

I know that God healed Declan, but I don’t know if that just means that he let him live or that he healed him completely to where there are no adverse affects from his intro to life.  I’ve struggled with worrying if he will always be ok, if it’s just for now, and if for now, then how long.  Through counseling and time, I’ve realized that Declan is like any other child.  There are no guarantees about tomorrow and I should be grateful for every moment I have with him.  Even if God only spared his life for a short time, then I was given a gift to be able to enjoy my son a little longer.

It hasn’t been easy to keep this frame of mind, especially in the midst of depression, but I find it easier with each passing day.  I am also very fortunate to have found a wonderful Christian counselor whose words were comforting when we discussed God sparing Declan’s life.  She said that God must have a special work or purpose for him.

I have looked at my depression in the same light.  I have struggled to understand why I have had to go through this, why God hasn’t healed me, why it’s still going on, if I will ever get completely better, and why after healing my son would he allow me to be so sick, that I couldn’t even enjoy or care for him.

I recognize that God has been there for me, that it could’ve been so much worse.

I know that he gave me strength to go on when I had none left in me.

He just didn’t heal me the way I wanted him to.

Profound Epiphany

I recently heard something very profound and applicable to my (and everyone’s) situation.

The trials we go through are to teach us to trust that God has a perfect plan.

It immediately reminded me of a conversation I had with Jason about his jobs over the past year.  Just following Thanksgiving last year Jason was laid off.  We struggled trying to decide what jobs to apply for, what cities to look into, and how far outside of his current field we should cast a net.  In February, he had found a job in the same field and city.  Despite those things, I couldn’t understand what was good about it.  We took a pay cut, the health insurance wasn’t as good, he had significantly less vacation time, and I just couldn’t see how this job would be great of a fit for us.  I questioned what good could come of this and didn’t understand why this is what God had provided.

I have always believed the clichés that, “Everything happens for a reason,” “God will never give you more than you can handle,” “When God closes a door, he opens a window.”  I have approached most situations with the belief that if it is God’s will, then it will happen.  So, I felt like after being laid off, that God would provide a better job, and felt let down and confused that now we had a lesser one.

Months later Jason interviewed and accepted a position with another company that he still works for today. This job is better than either job before.

I asked Jason if God just looks at us and says,

“Now do you see?  I had a plan all along.  You doubted me, but I provided a job to tie you over so you were financially taken care of and your children had health insurance, until the better job was available.  When will you trust that I have a plan?”

So, I think that is the lesson I was supposed to learn.  I have to trust, that God has a perfect plan for us, that he is taking care of us, and have faith that God knows best.